I’ve just come out of what turned out to be an eight week health crisis. It was physical in nature, but also spiritual. I was forced to face my shadow, once again, as well as come out of denial about some very old trauma, and meet it fully.
It began with a diagnosis of pneumonia, then two relapses. Then there was concern two weeks ago based on second chest x-ray that I had something in my lungs much more serious than pneumonia.
I had a ct scan last Friday, which showed I was clear and well on the mend from the original pneumonia diagnosis. I learned that I was healthy this past Tuesday morning.
In the period between learning that I might have a life threatening illness and learning that I was “clear”, ten days elapsed. During those ten days, I met my own mortality. I met it in a way that I never had before. It arrived and sat with me, all day, every day, no matter what else I was doing, or who I was with.
My ego was in terror. My mind raced compulsively. I imagined the worse. I postponed all time with clients. I was exhausted but could not sleep. The veil of pneumonia seemed to cling to me more profoundly. I could barely move.
However, between the moments of terror and obsession, I was also thrown back into the field of the miraculous. I knew consciously, that I was in the midst of a test, and I knew that the stakes were high for me to pass it, whatever the outcome in terms of a diagnosis.
Like another crisis I met and passed through, dragonflies began to appear for me, daily, at my house. When I am in the presence of dragonflies, I have learned that transformation is afoot in my life.
There are three people who I turned to and who held me and my “mortality moment.” These three never left my side energetically for these ten days.
One is the most powerful energy healer I have ever met. She lives in Tennessee. Her name is Susan Crowther. If you ever need someone to work with you on a major energetic shift that will change your life, she is your go-to girl. She is also one of my closest soul mates in this lifetime, though we have spent very little time in physical time and space together.
The second is the brilliant therapist/ activist David Bedrick. In a seemingly random pairing, he has become a heart and soul brother/best friend in the last 18 months or so. He helped me step into the land of dreams and comforted me, based on his years of helping others professionally. He understands the subconscious and unconscious in a way that I believe very few do. He helped me with the psychological issues and was absolutely correct about my eventual positive outcome, which comforted me greatly in the midst of terror and panic, that would continue to arise daily during the ten day waiting game.
I would give anything I’ve got to either of these wise and loving beyond measure friends. Each one tracked with me, in different ways, throughout the evolution of this illness/shamanic lessons arising/emotional process. I am indebted to both for the joy that I am experiencing on the other side. For, I did not go through this process lightly and neither did they.
The third person in this triad, was my partner, Cid. I don’t really have the words to express what it’s like for me to give and receive love, in equal measure for the first time in my life with a lover. All I can say, is that his love, along with my daughter Chloe’s has given me more than my wildest dreams could have imagined, I could receive.
And these gifts were only part of the lesson of this particular crucible.
When I received the news that I was well (suspicious looking spot on the lung turned out to be old scar tissue, likely from a childhood illness) I knew that I had been prepared to offer my life to goodness, creation and the power of love in a new way.
The healing has arrived with a powerful resolve about my own artist self as well as a desire to embrace the concept of family, in a way that I never have been able to and never thought I would be.